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If Anime Worlds Were Real…

At one point or another, you Anime geeks have either cosplayed or fantasized about being an Anime character or live in the world of an Anime character. What would that mean exactly? Well according to mainstream Animes:


If you’re a girl, you’re probably useless.

That’s right kiddies. If you’re a chick, you’re just there to cheer your male counterpart on, perhaps win his heart by bickering with a bitchier version of yourself and constantly showing off your boobs and curves by:
1. Wearing skimpy clothing. (Economy is bad kids. Need to hold back on textiles.)
2. Getting drenched all the time. (Seriously, where do these buckets of water keep coming from?)
3. Constantly poking and fondling other girl’s boobs and comment on how jealous you are of their size. (That’s all girls do in the locker room, trust me.)
4. Happen to be wearing frilly underwear in the heat of battle. (You never know when they need that camera angle up your skirt, right?)

Don’t even think about being useful. In the end, you’re just there to prop the male lead up to accomplish the ultimate goal. You’re probably more useful dead, so that you become a driving force and motivation – like revenge or something. Every Anime should just start off with a girl stabbing herself so that her lover can be super emo and enraged for the rest of the series. (Or is that overkilled already?)



Huge responsibility comes to those that are least likely to save the world. Just ‘cus, shit happens, ya know?

Junior High and High School contains a lot of life-changing events and trials. Most of it involves:
1. Your standings in the popular crowd.
2. Trying to stay away from the popular by being antisocial, thus being popular for being unpopular…
3. What clothes and hairstyles best defines you.
4. Who you do and do not want to be seen with. (Usually parents and the ugly people, am I right?)
5. Wondering why your first boss is such an asshole.
6. Losing your virginity by the time you graduate. (Not advised.)
7. To smoke or not to smoke?
8. Getting your driver’s license by senior year so you can drive three blocks to school.
9. Maybe getting good grades, if you’re a nerd or want to go to college or something…

It’s the time when one thinks they know better and should be treated as an adult and believes adults are behind the times and oppressive. Between the raging male hormones to bang anything that moves, awkward growth spurts and sudden fascination with your body’s shape, preteen and teen ages are the most vulnerable stages to exploit…

SO LET’S ADD A DOOMSDAY ROBOT AND GIVE EVERYONE A GUN TO FIGHT OFF THE ARMY OF ZOMBIES! Or better yet, let’s let one of them hop into a billion dollar government project and attempt to save the world. Everyone knows video games give faster reflexes and real world experience in modern warfare! They can’t take out the trash without being told, but they’ll sure as hell feel obligated to save everyone’s life when the time comes. They’re fuckin invincible!



Graduated High School? THEN YOU’RE OLD!

People over the age of 20 are old farts and should be looking into retirement and allow all the young and able bodied 13 year olds do the fighting. If you’re in your mid 20’s and a woman, you should be worrying about getting pregnant and settling down. If you’re still single, then something is obviously wrong with you and you’re an ugly old fart. GTFO the planet – you’re wasting the air, grandma.

If you’re a single man, you’re standing outside of junior high schools, waiting for P.E. class to start. Nothing gets a man hotter than the sight of a girl with training bra-filled school uniform giggling past you as they suck on a popsicle.

What about the respectable men? They’re working white collared jobs and being pestered by their parents on why they aren’t already married at the age of 25.



Nothing is proportional and everything defies gravity.

Anime likes to elongate legs, make feet small, make heads huge, eyes ridiculously fake, and don’t get me started on girls and their boob sizes at the age of 15… What’s this? C-cup on a 15 year old? With no back pains? (And on an Asian, for that matter?)

Long strands of hair that are in ridiculous clumps would stab people in the eye and knot like no tomorrow. (Solution, brush frequently.) I’m going to ignore the fact that Japanese Anime characters can be born with purple or blue hair, but if Chinese they’re always black or brown in pigtails. People from England or America are always blonde with blue eyes and black people… Are almost non existent in the Anime world… Sorry, wait, what – did you just notice that?

And WTF is wrong with her eyes?!



Everything happens in Japan.

Obviously it’s easiest to write a plot to a story in a place you’re most familiar with. But I still find it comical that everything happens to Japan in most of the Animes that contain post Apocalypse settings. Then again, a lot of major Hollywood films take place in major American cities or corn fields, so I guess it’s fair. You know what you never hear? Anything happening to Canada. I mean, why would anyone visit Canada…?

The Comments

  1. Anime, is supposed to be a fantasy, that’s why the dudes are always heroes, the girls are always perfect, and the days are filled with action. Anime is made to express what their perfect life would be, even if that means the death of loved ones to make the story more interesting.

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